MindDancer
by Joriel
Summary: This is a companion piece to my story Toad, in which Arica reveals her past to Todd a few weeks after he had, and they became friends.


Heh, I see you looking at me, Todd. The others you sit with don't, but I see it. Sometimes I wonder what you see when you're looking at me like that. Quit with the face, you know I don't invade without invitation. I wonder sometimes what that would be like, to live the way your Magneto espouses, using my powers whenever I feel like it. But, it's a fleeting wonder, because something deep inside me knows it's wrong. Not for all mutants, but for those with powers like mine. Our thoughts should be private.  
  
Your emotions are fair game though. I can sense your laughter, you know. What, can't those of us who live at the Institute wonder what it's like to be you? Or something other than what we are? You think I live such a perfect life that I could never even conceive of wanting something else?  
  
Oh wait, you do. I forgot for a moment.  
  
And, it's my fault really. Everyone thinks that, because I work so hard at it. Happy go lucky, carefree Arica. No problems here, just good old MindDancer always ready to answer the call of duty and never steps over the lines, right? Pretty mutant, who can pass as human. Looked up to because of being on the gymnastics team. Good student. Works really hard to fit in. Ever wonder why?  
  
So none of you look past that. But...I'm scared sometimes, Todd. And you're probably the only one who'll really get it. So...I'm trusting you, with the truth. Like you did for me. Here's Arica's life story.  
  
Like you, life was pretty normal and dull growing up. I had the normal joys and pains of childhood, never really thought about anything other than school, toys, and my friends. My parents were on the cool side, reserved and distant. I think that is what taught me to depend on my friends and their families for affection for as far back as I can remember. They weren't bad parents, just raised a certain way and raising me the same. Children are kind of like trophies, I guess is the best word for it. I can't think of any other.  
  
So, there I was, growing up. Gymnastics, honor roll, lots of friends. Pretty much what I play at being here, so I don't think I need to go into detail about that part. It's what came later. When I started hearing other people's minds, picking up memories and emotions from objects. Worse, when the telekinetics showed up, they were so out of control.  
  
Well, I was scared. I didn't understand what was happening to me any better than you did, and I had a head full of horror movies based on possession rambling through my mind. I was terrified that I was evil, unclean, a horrible nightmare thing. So I did what any normal kid did, I went to my parents. I was fourteen, a year older than you when you manifested.  
  
My parents didn't even pretend to be supportive, they were outright horrified. Their thoughts went along the lines of, how dare I dirty their impeccable gene pool and family lines like this? This was the thanks they got for raising me these past years, and putting up with all the things I broke, all my injuries and illnesses, and every other inconvenience that living with a small child created.  
  
I never realized just how little they thought of me, til that day. I was just a burden to be put up with until adulthood, and then I was expected to accomplish certain things, no question, no deviance from their wishes.  
  
That was the beginning of the horror. A few weeks later, they took me to a doctor. And to show you how truly stupid I was, I thought it was to make sure that I was okay, that the mutation wasn't hurting me. Hah.  
  
This doctor specialized in...shall we say, curing mutations? After looking me over and running a barrage of painful tests, he came to the conclusion that I could be cured, but there was a catch. The only way to deal with my particular mutation was to remove part of my brain, the part that controlled my powers. Not to mention the part that did all my thinking, that was everything that can be defined as me, not just another body that breathed.  
  
They were essentially going to kill me. My body would still be alive, and if all well, I'd still be able to follow basic instructions like eat and go to the bathroom. If not, they felt that was what catheters and iv's were for. They really didn't care that it would destroy me, inside. That there would be nothing left behind the eyes. The lights would be on for the rest of my life, but no one would ever be home again.  
  
And then they auctioned me off in some private club to the highest bidder, a man nearly twice my age who was in need of a wife with a pedigree. As long as I would be capable of producing an heir, he really didn't care if he was marrying a vegetable. I think...I think he kind of found it kinky, a living sex doll that required no effort to maintain any kind of relationship, that he could trade in on for sympathy with others he wanted to take to his bed.  
  
What kind of monsters are these people?  
  
What the fuck is so wrong with us, Todd? With being mutants? I don't care what people say about homo superior or genetic trash, we're still humans. We can just do extra things. But we still eat and sleep, go to the bathroom and get sick. We still want to be loved, have friends, and figure out our place in the world. We learn, we feel, we grow and we die. Everything that humans do.  
  
Wow, I can read minds and make things move without touching them. How utterly impressive, I guess. It doesn't keep me warm at night. It doesn't give me valentines, or kisses under the mistletoe. It doesn't bring me ice cream and commiseration when I'm down, or want to play a game with me to pass the time. It doesn't negate the things in me that are just human, just a girl.  
  
But it ruined my life. Like you, it's so hard to trust people now. I know in my head that no one at the Institute is going to hurt me, or send me back. Xavier did a lot to hide me from my parents, and keeps doing so until I am 18 and old enough to not have to be afraid of them and their doctor anymore. But that's two years from now, and right now, I'm scared. Scared that they'll find me, that they'll do that to me. That I'll lose everything I worked so hard for.  
  
That I'll never know love, that I'll never be in my friends weddings, or my own. No baby showers and birthdays in my future, no graduation parties once college is over. No house of my own, with a cat or maybe a pet turtle. I don't know, I like turtles. Maybe both. No mundane chores, no exciting moments. No more pondering the mysteries of life, no more talking to you.  
  
Just breathing, and following orders, if I have that much of a brain left. I just want to know why, I guess. Why they would take all of that from me. Why Xavier and Logan and Storm work so hard to keep me safe from the people who should want me to be safe. Why even your Magneto and Mystique, as bad as they can get, are preferable to those who bore me.  
  
I will never really know. There isn't an answer, I know that somewhere deep inside. But...every night I wake up fighting so hard not to scream from the sheer terror of them coming to get me. I wish my parents had just left me, like you. That would have been easier, I think.  
  
I'm not perfect, and I've been through hell too. I can feel your surprise, don't be. I don't let people see it, because I'm scared if they see it they'll tell someone, who'll tell my parents where to find me, to get all the money that's part of handing me over brainless to my 'fiance'. Hah.  
  
When did you end up next to me? Better question, when did I start crying into your shirt? Todd, if you're my friend at all, just don't let go. Just let me hide in your arms for a little while, I like it here. I knew you'd get it.  
  
Thank you, Todd. 


End file.
